Shouts From The Sidelines: 2014 Cfda Awards - By Fashion Model Jenny Bahn

Alright so for most people this won’t be as exciting as say, coverage from the Oscars or the MET Gala, but someone throws a red carpet down and The Style Con will certainly be there, shouting its commentary from the sidelines. I mean, sort of. We’re not yet on the guest list for these events but we do have a P.O. Box in Queens for which I can furnish the appropriate parties with its details were they to want our physical company. Until then…

Herewith, the Best of the Worst of the Better of the Least/Best Dressed List from the 2014 CFDA Awards.

Rihanna: Old Hollywood glamor meets The Emperor’s New Clothes visibility. Good ol’ Riri was getting honored as this year’s Fashion Icon. Apparently so were her nipples.

Tyson Beckford and Naomi Campbell: After the event, both were seen entering Jared Leto’s Fountain of Youth Club, where all members are invited to drink the blue blood of infant aliens.

Iman: Also a member.

Emmy Rossum: Celery shipwreck. I dig.

Blake Lively: This outfit reminds me of that year I spent working with a client who was really, really, REALLY into accessories and platform heels for strippers. Whenever I was working my mom would send me an email and ask, “Do you look like a drag queen yet?”*** And then I would cry.

Coco Rocha: Were this a canal off of Venice during a festival in the fifteenth century I would understand this outfit. But it’s Los Angeles. In June. So I don’t.

John Waters: “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ‘em! Don’t sleep with people who don’t read!” A man with a mind like this and a mustache like that can do no wrong. And anyone who has ever lived in Los Angeles, particularly Santa Monica, will understand the ode to the local homeless population with the homemade cardboard sign.